Self care. Something to focus on. Where do self care and selflessness meet when you have a new baby and thousands of demands a day? Probably nowhere near the middle – the tiny human is the priority! I didn’t know I could be totally selfless until he arrived. Don’t get me wrong I have never been selfish or self-centred, but we all put number one first to one degree or another, it’s how we succeed. When Baby P arrived I put myself to the bottom of the pile – his needs are my command, I am his world and he needs me to do everything. Which I do adoringly with a type of love I have never known.
But, he needs me to be at my best and so me coming last isn’t sustainable.
So I need more time for me, somehow. To build reserves and resilience.
There are days when baby isn’t keen on his naps. He still has them, is still happier when he’s had them, but he didn’t have as many hours which then affects his moods and his routine. He will also tease us at night having slept right through by waking up needing a reassuring cuddle…
There are always going to be days when I put him down to snooze and he cries instead. I try milk. No thanks. I try cuddles. And he chats. I try rocking. And he cries. Even Ollie the Owl isn’t working and that always works! Nothing works on days like these. He is now overtired. And he still needs that nap. At this point rocking in his pram or walking in the carrier are all I have left. Twenty minutes later the one slit eye he has been giving me finally shuts. Success.
On a day like that it is already 10am and (whilst I have had a shower, that’s the first thing I do each morning after his 7am feed, with an audience…) I haven’t had a cup of tea, any breakfast, cleaned my teeth, gone to the loo… And now he has fallen asleep somewhere I can’t set up the monitor to keep an eye on him while I do…
And what do I do first (after I’ve finished texting Mr P for moral support?) once he’s asleep? I unload the washing machine, I write a packing list for our weekend away, and I tidy up the kitchen and living room from the night before. Then I clean my teeth. Then I remember I am hungry and need caffeine and some sofa or snooze time… By which time it’s likely someone might be stirring for their next feed!
I don’t want to miss any of the tiny baby cuddles and moments that are fast running out because I’m too tired to enjoy them. The resilience I learnt at work has a major place in motherhood. So as self care week draws to a close, I need to do more to focus on me for his benefit too. The trouble is I really love being a mummy and it doesn’t come naturally to not put him first even for a moment! The moment he smiles I melt however tired I am! And I feel guilty if I am not entertaining him or if he’s plonked on his playmat or watching the news or baby sensory on TV while I do jobs.
Already we go to playgroups, meet friends with babies for coffees and go on plenty of walks in the countryside. This is all excellent and has definitely propelled me easily through the last 17 weeks.
But I need a few things just for me, not always us.
Having a hair cut – I did that last week!
Going to yoga – I did that this week!
Having a massage – I have one booked next week!
Beyond that…
Leave baby with Daddy and go for a run.
Leave baby with Daddy for bathtime and have a bath of my own in the other bathroom with a glass of wine, my kindle and some candles. Or just sit on the sofa and celebrate getting to the end of another day (rather than tidying the house after the hurricane of the day).
Leave Daddy and baby to go swimming without me (rather than watching) and enjoy a quiet house for 90 minutes.
And I should do all of that without feeling guilty. Yes Daddy has a big and busy job but coming home to a baby and having his own time with him is I’m told relaxing (mostly).
Even simpler it is things like napping when baby does, reading my kindle rather than scrolling through inane rubbish on my phone, having lunch with a friend, drying my hair, putting on some make up, calling friends I haven’t spoken to, a girls night, catching up with my boss, even starting to think about a keeping in touch day at work… And date night – we need that back, perhaps it’s actually lunch out or wine and a film at home, but it’s still a case of making time for it and us.
I am lucky – I learnt the tools for resilience that work for me in my job; I love this mummy life I waited so long for; and I haven’t suffered personally for focussing solely on baby. But I do need to focus a little more on me (and Mr P) now too. We’re only 4 months into this marathon!
And baby will benefit from that too.
Happy healthy mummy.
Happy healthy baby.
