THE END OF MY MATERNITY LEAVE

One blink and it’s gone. Maternity leave that is. It’s come to an end. A year ago, a year of maternity leave felt like such a long time. Today a year ago feels like a few moments ago. I’m staggered how quickly my maternity leave has vanished. In some ways so little has happened but in every other way so much did. I don’t just mean the washing up and sterilising and nappies and good mushing. We’ve grown an amazing little boy from the baby that arrived with no instruction manual!

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Today it’s back to work for me and last week it was off to nursery for the little one… I awarded myself a week of me time before starting work!! I am glad I did, it’s such a monumental change for the little one and he chose to cut his 8th tooth at the same time and pick up conjunctivitis from one of his new friends. Being able to pick him up a little early and not have to rush to and from work definitely made it easier for us all. I also fitted in a spa day and a day out with the mums, in amongst all the admin I have been delaying for a year! Thankfully after a fraught day 1, he settled in well at nursery and awarded us with smiles at collection and 12 hour sleeps!

Bringing up baby is just one milestone after the other. Work and nursery is yet another, this time for the whole family! Sam and I as working parents and for the little man, independence and adventures without us.

I haven’t dwelt on what the end of maternity leave might feel like until now, when I opened my laptop and started typing. I’ve been focussed on the practicalities of how we balance ourselves, family life and work.

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Getting all the logistical things done took all the time… Nursery run planning… Buying all the things he needs for nursery (hello Primarni and Matalan my new friends)… Getting him his first shoes so that he can cruise around outside… Diary planning for work trips… Buying new clothes for me for work… Planning out weekends to make the most of them… Lining up grandparents to help with childcare… The list goes on and on and has prevented me thinking too much about the fact that someone else is going to be looking after my boy for 40 hours (4 days) each week…

But now I am thinking about it.

I have had the best 12 months of my life on maternity leave. The toughest a few times yes. But almost always the best of times. When you want something for so long the tough times are insignificant.

But hello to a new era. I give my baby to someone else to look after now. To play with him and keep him entertained, to wipe his tears, patch up any bumps and scratches, rock him to sleep, to feed him, to change his nappies, to teach him new things and to help him reach other milestones for the first time too. It’s a day that came round so quickly! I expected to be bored being at home with a baby but I’ve had no time to be bored. I haven’t even managed to binge on daytime TV once (I can’t work out how anyone manages it)!! My baby has kept me happily busy from day one!

But the time has come round. I’ve made a choice to go back to work and I’m looking forward to it too. I don’t need to go back, but for all of our benefits I want to. But just because it was my choice doesn’t make it any easier to actually do. Leaving my gorgeous boy with nursery staff I barely know after a year spent joined at the hip is heart-wrenching, more so on the days where he doesn’t have the best of times.

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Thankfully I know the little man is going to have an absolute blast at nursery and he will thrive and develop in the busy and noisy environment in a way he couldn’t at home. He will make new friends and get to play with them all day and not have to do any of those boring Mummy chores. He’ll go to the farm and the old peoples home too. He’s going to love it, and we all know happy baby = happy mummy = happy family. And when I collect him at the end of the day he still remembers me and has the biggest smile. And I know I will thrive in my job again, once my brain has caught back up with corporate life and technical terminology!

But I am acutely aware that I am going to miss by baby boy more than I can even contemplate right now. I’ll miss his smile and delicious laughter and the slobbery hugs. Even the constant snot. I’m also aware there will be times when he’s poorly and I, despite needing to work, won’t be able to and the simple act of getting by will feel almost impossible. And I will miss some of his firsts too. As much as I will enjoy returning to my job and the intellectual challenge, all working mums know already (I’m not the first) it is going to be a hard thing to do. And to do well.

Tuesdays I will have off work with the little one and I can’t wait for these days. I think it is going to be hard entertaining him to the extent that nursery can. But I’m up for a challenge and I hope I can get the best of both worlds with our days off together.

And work, that will be different too. There will be times when I will be away on business and won’t see him at all in 24/48/72 hours. Progression may be slower for me than before because I will have to make choices between home and work. I will busier than I have ever been balancing work, life and baby. And I won’t be the first to see all his milestones and new discoveries as many will happen on nursery days. The Tapestry app of photos doesn’t get updated in real time so I constantly wonder what he’s up to!

But with all those worries and woes, thankfully I have been given the best advice by successful mums in my firm that are doing it and doing it well. Live by the choices you make and make them work rather than regretting them or flexing them. People will support me but I need to know where my lines are in the sand and what is and isn’t ok. I’ve been told to build a family life and a work life that I relish so that I can be happy in both. That’s the plan, but it will take time to settle into. The same way nursery has taken some time to settle into for the little one. I’m glad to have role models that are proving it’s (mostly) possible in our demanding jobs. Having a baby has started a whole new set of conversations with people I’ve worked with for years and I hope it continues to do so too. I am definitely in a new club, and all the parents in the firm understand what a pain a baby brain is!

And with that said, we will all enjoy the thrills of these choices made and try to make the best of the challenges that arise. The first part of the amazing adventure of parenting might have come to an end, but the real adventure is only just beginning!

As TS Eliot wisely said: ‘What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start.’ Words we were taught at my school leavers ceremony and which I still reflect on today.

It definitely isn’t going to be easy. Hopefully we over the hump of nursery settling in now. But the alarm going off for work is going to feel far less nice than a baby alarm! Tiring as it can be, when he wakes in the night or early it is totally different.

So writing this perhaps I didn’t do as much as I wanted this last year as time passed far too quickly, but actually I have done so much more. And I have about 100,000 photos to prove it! I was saying to Mr P that it feels like I didn’t achieve anything in my time off… But he reminded me of our gorgeous boy and his lovely character and that he melts the hearts of everyone he meets. Because that is all us and it’s a perfect result and a major achievement!

This adventure has already been the longest coming but the best of our lives. And today the next chapter of the adventure begins.

Since writing this I’ve been back at work for a while and have shared my challenges and tips for going back to work over on the fab MamaTribe blog.

To the experienced working mums, my hopes probably sound all romantic and slushy and naive so please – what tips do you have for me to make it work?