SLEEP TRAINING: WHAT WORKED FOR US

I don’t normally ask for help from a stranger, but I cannot begin to describe how pleased I am that I did when it came to the matter of sleep. Our toddler has always been a good sleeper. Aside from a blip around one year and blips when he’s poorly, 6 days out of 7 he’s been good. So when things suddenly went down hill this autumn and getting him to sleep at night took forever and wake up time got progressively earlier, I knew we needed help. The vagueness and theoretical nature of books wasn’t helping any of us get more sleep.

I had a loose recollection that someone in my working mums group at work had mentioned access to a sleep expert through our benefits package and they were right. At work we have access to My Family Care and one of the things this includes is sessions with a specialist. My chosen specialist was a child sleep expert. We’ve had a few conversations since and they’ve been game changing in my toddlers sleep.

I’m jotting down some of the things we did to share and for me too. I know we will have to repeat them soon enough to get him to sleep well again so I need it written to access fast! We didn’t go down the controlled crying route as that just isn’t something I’m comfortable, we used something called the gradual retreat and it worked for us all.

Consistency

A consistent response is needed to everything: the nap, at night, at bedtime, if he wakes. And it has to be a response that we were happy with. For us this is using a sleep phrase and being just at his bedroom door as he settles. We had to work to get to this stage, but it’s become something he is happy with for the most part and we’ve all got used to it. Mr P does the same as me. Only if he’s had a nightmare and is upset we will give him a cuddle to settle him and then lay him straight back down.

Mixed messages

Our coach was very clear anything before 6am is nighttime and any positive reward for waking (like taking him into our room to sleep with us) was a bad thing to do. Mixed messages by rewarding him for waking early. At night if he wakes we do our consistent response and only if he’s upset will we settle him with a cuddle before lieing him down again. He has re-learnt to self settle and often wakes up, takes a look around, and goes back to sleep.

Sleep phrase

I’ve always thought this was ridiculous but we do now have a sleep phrase. I don’t overuse it but I say it a few times as we get ready for bed and as I lie him down. If he wakes in the night I say it when I got to his door to soothe him and at nap time or when he goes in his car seat at nap time I say it too. He now associates it with sleep.

Gro-clock

There must be hypnosis in this machine, it is quite incredible given all it does is glow blue or orange! To get our little one understanding the clock we first set it earlier than we would like, at his early waking up time. He would wake up and see the sunshine and we would rush in (even before 6am) and congratulate him on sleeping through until the sun came up. Then every few nights we’d make the sunrise 15 minutes later on. Once he’s made the association he will wait for sunshine. A few mornings we’ve woken up and seen on the monitor that he’s sitting in bed waiting for it.

Warm all night

Our little one was waking up cold in the night having lost his duvet. We now use a thin sleeping bag as well which means that in the night when he’s lost his duvet he is still warm enough. I’m finding that the toddler ones with legs are particularly good as he’s got the same movement he’s used to with a duvet.

Earlier bed, faster bath, less books

Thirty minutes is plenty of time between going upstairs for a bath and falling asleep. I couldn’t get my head round this to start as I thought we’d be diddling him. It was easily taking us an hour, but we were starting too late and taking too long over everything. Bath is functional, 10 mins max. Even though it is functional our toddler still has time to play and have a good wash. We only read 4 books at bedtime (he loves reading) and I read them fast with a boring voice and if he finishes his milk quickly then we miss out a book. He’s now asking to get into bed and is calm throughout. Apparently a warm bath and cooling down afterwards helps the circadian rhythm? I asked the dentist about doing milk after teeth and she said there wasn’t a problem with it at this age if we’re cleaning well twice a day.

Be strong not to do what I normally do

I used to hold his hand through the cot bars at bedtime, a habit that built in the summer when we stayed away a couple of times and he was in a lilo. I had to hold his hand to stop him trying to get up and out of bed. Then when we got home he liked it and started demanding ‘hold hands Mummy’ at bedtime and I rather liked it too… So begrudgingly I’ve given that up, I couldn’t imagine how we could but after a few nights he now says to me ‘no hold hands Mummy’ and gives me a long cuddle before I put him into his cot! And then I use my sleep phrase and he’s happy.

The cot bit

Once he’s in his cot the approach we use is gradual retreat. When we started I sat just next to his cot and he could almost reach me. No hand holding but he knew I was right there. A few nights later I moved to the foot of the cot. A few nights later into the door way, then onto the landing etc etc. He knows he’s safe because he knows I’m never far away. I think it was about building trust and getting him comfortable with his new normal.

Naps are fine

This is apparently the last thing to ditch. There are days when he doesn’t need a nap if we didn’t have a busy enough morning. But for the most part he needs a power nap. For days when he won’t we have put the sofa near to the TV again and will watch a musical. Screen time – down time for us! We’ve had nursery cap his nap at an hour and we do 60-75mins max. It seems to work. He’s always ready for bedtime so I’m keeping the nap. I’m told that being outside in the afternoon is critical to a good nights sleep too!

Timings

We follow his signs for when he needs sleep. We tend to start the bedtime routine at 6.05pm as that seems to work, but on a day when he hasn’t had a nap sometimes he’s taking us up the stairs to his bath at 5.50pm. We rarely go later that 6.05pm now as it just seems to work. He’s normally asleep by 6.35pm now which means that we have our evenings back (to work). Generally, if he’s excitable during his bedtime routine it started too late.

It’s a constant battle

We had a blip a few weeks ago when he wasn’t very well: a roaring temperature and fast breathing in the night (thankfully not covid, we did the tests) meant that I brought him into our bed so that we could all get some sleep. After that we had to start the process again and so wake ups are still a bit earlier that they should be as we work back through the process.

We’ve kept a very basic sleep diary since we first spoke (wake, get up, nap times, start bedtime routine, go to sleep) and it’s incredible to see how the little changes we have made have created something pretty good and consistent inside 2 months. We get 6.40pm to 6.20am now and to be honest that gives us what we need, 6.40am was wake up time before he was poorly so we will get back to there. He has also become incredibly cuddly at bedtime and in the morning and thrives on that time with us with extra sleep.

Obviously we still have to do bunny rescues in the middle of the night and sometimes he has nightmares and needs one of us. But for the most part his sleep is good. I am incredibly proud of him and I’m pretty proud of me and Mr P too for seeking the advice and creating something that works for us!

I suspect I know what our next sleep challenge is…