1481 DAYS: MISCARRIAGE AND MOTHERHOOD

Talking about miscarriage isn’t something I find easy even with close friends and colleagues so writing this is tough. I have started this post many times… The timing was never right. But talking about miscarriage is important. Too many people go through it. Most people don’t talk about it and suffer privately. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Many people, like us, have multiple heartbreaking losses.

But we have endured the pain and come out the other side.

1,481 days, from the first miscarriage to the day our dream came true and our miracle baby made his arrival.

I can now reflect on those 4 years which never made it onto the blog.

Baby P’s pregnancy was relatively straightforward and full of treasured memories. But a rollercoaster all the same. We sleep better now, with our longed for son, than we both have for such a long time. Probably 1,481 days… Never knowing how our family future would look was a stressful time.

A feeling of failure

Like any illness or grief, those that haven’t endured it, and the days and months afterwards, can’t imagine what it is like.

No one does. Until it happens to them. I didn’t have a clue. 

And then everything changes in an instant.

I discovered in my early thirties when I was flying high at work, loving married life and generally achieving everything I wanted to… That I wasn’t bullet proof. That I wouldn’t have a carefree ride to motherhood. And that there weren’t really any answers.

Before that, all I had failed at in life was one tax exam and a driving test. Failure was not something I needed to deal with.

It was the first time I was on the receiving end of not everything being a success or having a solution. Miscarriage felt like a personal failure and it knocked me off my feet.

Moving forward

When someone says ‘what if’ or ‘make a wish’ I think of the same every time – the tiny little beans (babies) we said goodbye to before saying hello. I won’t forget the dates or the wished for due dates. Sometimes something random has me catch my breath still in surprise. But we have come out the other side.

I know I wouldn’t have got to where I am today without this challenge. But it’s hard to look at where I am now and what I‘ve achieved without wondering what if. I have proved to myself beyond belief that I am strong and brave and we have been through more than we thought we could deal with. We are stronger together, both thankful to finally cry tears of happiness.

I imagine I have changed. My work personality has at the very least! I think I am more guarded, but more honest and driven. And direct. I have my tribe – lucky that those that I confided in gave me a wide berth to get on with things my way. It takes a massive effort to not let it define you. The support of those around you is needed, to let you do it your way.

The emotions of miscarriage

A miscarriage gives you more emotions to deal with than you knew you had – all at once. And when you aren’t expecting anything apart from those associated with growing a tiny human. Pain, anger, loneliness, devastation, fear, fright, emptiness, grief, unhappiness, guilt, jealously, hopelessness and the belief you are a failure. With an insane amount of pain and hormones flying around to make it even worse!

The father mustn’t be forgotten, they have the same emotions. The little line on the pregnancy test had the same impact on them.

Sadly when you know you are having a miscarriage that isn’t the end. Sometimes the hospital aren’t sure so you wait a week… And each time the baby needs to be delivered, either naturally at home (with little contractions) or through an operation. 

And in the days after a miscarriage all you see is pregnant ladies or newborn babies! I suspect it’s just a heightened awareness, but I always found it overwhelming. Why could they and I couldn’t?

It does get better with time, and not just when there is a happy ending. After the first time, I remember exactly when we were truly happy again. It was about 3 months later, we were sailing in Sardinia and we had the best time. We grabbed an opportunity we wouldn’t otherwise have had and loved it. Sometimes you can leave the memories behind for a while and live a little. This blog is testament to that! And when you get to that stage you might start to think about trying again.

What to say?

If it happens to a friend or colleague I’m not sure there is anything to say apart from ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I’m thinking of you’ or agreeing that life is cruel. You must appreciate that however many weeks, it is a baby and it is loved. Just give them a hug. I’m still floored with how to properly support someone else apart from to tell them I know what they are going through and to grieve at their pace.

The most important thing to remember is… A baby lost in the womb, at whatever stage is still a baby. A parent of a baby lost in the womb is still a parent.

Miscarriage taught me that everyone is busy fighting some kind of battle. Many people do it in private so one can’t assume you know it’s happening to a friend. Or what it is like. To start with I felt bad for lumbering people with it but it was the right thing to do.

Some said to me it wasn’t a baby, at least we knew we could get pregnant, or just that we should try again soon… My mind still boggles. That’s what not to say. Partners I work with were the first ones to point out it was a lost child. A lost future. Because that’s what it is. And to take all the time I needed. Whether at 6 weeks, 14, 8, 9… The best people gave hugs, sent flowers, came on walks and, actually, just gave us space. And sent love on Mother’s Day each year. And kept this up in some way for 1,481 days.

Keep inviting a friend to a kids party, or a baby shower, or include them in your baby news announcement. A special sugar coated version or a missed invite hurts. It hammers home the feelings of failure and loneliness.

I had previously kept my private life away from work, but the support some superstars (friends now) at work gave me (and still do) was incredible. Maybe I was ‘lucky‘ they, or their wives, had been through this. But being honest about what I could do when I was at my worst, was the right thing to do. They were the first people I told about Baby P, at 6 weeks. That support was invaluable in his success and me getting through the days.

Pregnancy after loss

It isn’t easy. My pregnancy with the happy ending was unbelievable in that it kept progressing. Positively and smoothly, with plenty of happy moments. But still my mind wandered. An abject fear of what might go wrong. Fear, even when the consultants were happy. It’s a hard set of emotions to manage. As time went on I relaxed, enjoyed it, loved the bump (especially the ‘I’m ok’ kicks) and believed in our dream coming true. 

One foot after the other.

One day after another.

But honestly, until Baby P lay blinking up at me, I didn’t believe it would really happen. All sentences started ‘all being well’…

I can’t imagine a simple pregnancy without the worry of having to deal with another heartbreaking loss. That naive happiness bubble I will never know. There was a constant wonder if, this time, my body would be able to do what it needed. I think I did a good job of looking like a swan on the surface but paddling vigorously underneath! 

I don’t see the 12 or 20 week scan as being in the clear as many do. Nor the time to announce it or plan a baby shower.

As to why this pregnancy succeeded and our previous ‘what if’s’ didn’t? We’ll always wonder. Medically, the absence of my thyroid was finally in control, understood and properly monitored from the start. Holistically our move to the country changed our lifestyle for the better. So a healthy metabolism, sleeping well, an easy commute, jobs we love, relaxed weekends and keeping quiet and stress free. Was a Ctrl Alt Delete on life what was needed?

Mr P said at week 24 when I finally started to ‘show’ that he never thought he’d see me pregnant like this. He was right. We had both given up even though we hadn’t. It amazed us both what my body achieved! So much so that when he referred to me as ‘humpty dumpty’… I actually liked the analogy! 

Imagine the things to worry about in a pregnancy that is going well when the only previous experience has ended in disaster… 

• The simplest task of going to the loo (and finding blood) is a dread. Every time.
• Tummy twinges are a normal sign of growth, but not if you’ve only felt ominous ones before.
• Tiredness is part and parcel, but it’s easy to worry that you’re too tired, taking bump’s energy.
• Accidentally having something you shouldn’t that could hurt the baby – caffeine, alcohol or a certain food.
• Wanting to tell the world, but actually, not wanting to tell anyone. It is the most magical secret.
• Worrying someone will guess, or heaven forbid ask, before you are brave enough to announce it.
• Not wanting to plan. Because planning ahead might need to be undone. Or could jinx things

I’d like to think I’m relatively stable and sane but that just scratches the surface…

Privacy in pregnancy

The best decision we made was to be fiercely private. To protect us, because un-telling pregnancy news is heart-breaking in itself. Everyone would know ‘I failed’. I’m have never understood why growing a baby is considered public property.

We also kept it private because after the toughest time it is the most magical experience to hold close. Just knowing when to try again was difficult. And it is no one else’s decision. For me it wasn’t about creating a ‘rainbow’. To go into something so natural wondering if your body can even manage it is terrifying. To be ready for the happy ending, you must first be ready to cope with more grief.

It has troubled me over the years the amount of questions we have had about starting a family. Even when asked with the best intentions, if someone may have fertility issues one should never ask or infer. We need our space and privacy. To challenge that feels insensitive and intrusive. These years have been the toughest of our lives. Pressure and expectation isn’t needed.

Whilst I can’t help but share pictures of Baby P now he is here, I know for every ounce of my happiness someone else is still in pain. There isn’t an easy answer to that. I was always happy for another family’s good news, but it can be overwhelming. I was (and still am) always nervous for anyone announcing a pregnancy, until they announce the baby’s arrival.

Braver stronger wiser

Together we are braver, stronger and wiser (thanks Pooh for your wisdom) for those 1,481 days. We learnt the importance of being selfish and doing things our way. Perhaps this made us reclusive, or hard to spend time with. But it’s what we needed. 

When we announced Baby P’s arrival, I was overwhelmed with how much love and support we had. Friends and colleagues that had been ‘in on’ the journey were as relieved as us. Friends we surprised with his arrival were thrilled. I hope people understand why we kept our secret close, lack of children wasn’t because we wanted to travel and climb the career ladder!

And now we have our tiny miracle.

For many of the 1,481 days I didn’t think we would, despite always hoping we could be parents. Even in the 39 long slow weeks of my pregnancy, which in my mind felt like 4 years and 39 weeks. Every time I look at or think of him I give thanks.

There are so many ladies I know somewhere on this journey. Friends that have just got to the end like us, are making progress, pursuing IVF or are looking for answers. I’ve found support from others sharing their journey through their blogs and that I have met through friends. This stuff makes friends of strangers like nothing else. It’s a lonely place, that’s why strangers seek each other out for support and reassurance. Happy endings before us gave me strength and belief, as well as relief for them. I hope ours does too. As thankful as I am for our miracle, these ladies and their husbands remain in my prayers. It’s the toughest journey. Any loss is heartbreaking and everyone deserves a happy ending.

Right at the top of this post I said that this topic isn’t talked about enough. I hope this post is useful to those on the journey and for those that want to understand a little better what the journey is like and how to support a friend through it.